


So I Walk Alone (Down The Darkest Roads)

by GallifreyanFairytale



Series: Aromantic/Asexual fics [4]
Category: Trollhunters (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Aromantic Characters, Beware, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Historical Inaccuracy, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Platonic Relationships, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, also this is probably not canon compliant but idc, it's not even fully a backstory lol it goes past the end of s3, probably, questioning ur sexuality is okay!!, the ocs dont play a big role, this is a Tragic Backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-16 10:51:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15435477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanFairytale/pseuds/GallifreyanFairytale
Summary: No one deserves to spend their life feeling broken and alone.





	So I Walk Alone (Down The Darkest Roads)

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't get the idea of aromantic Nomura out of my head so I ended up writing this. It probably doesn't actually fit with canon, but let's just pretend it does. This does contain major spoilers for season 3 (and also a fair amount of angst), so read at your own risk.
> 
> The title is from Bird With a Broken Wing by Owl City

Nomura thought she was straight in the beginning. Then again, who didn’t start out assuming that? Especially in the time period Nomura had been stuck into in order to assume the identity of a child who was now forever trapped in the Darklands.

 

Not that it really mattered if she was straight or not. She hadn’t been sent into the human world to find a husband, she had orders to follow. Important orders. Orders that took her far away from her familiar’s parents and younger brother, orders that took her around the world. The names of the kingdoms and countries changed over the years, but the general mission remained the same. Stay faithful to Gunmar and follow any and all orders received from the Janus Order. Nomura prided herself on how well she did exactly that. Some changelings got distracted by romance or family or a thousand other excuses, but not Nomura. It was because of this that she quickly climbed the ranks, receiving more important missions, travelling further away.

 

She ended up in America, eventually. New York City was her first stop and also the home of her first attempt at dating. She’d received enough belittling comments from the changelings she worked with about never having dated that she gave in and found a man she could tolerate. Things were fine, at first. He was human and she looked human. It worked.

 

Nomura just didn’t _feel_ anything for him.

 

She may have been a cold-hearted changeling with blood on her hands, but William hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t his fault Nomura didn’t feel the way she was probably supposed to about him. So she broke things off and after some considering, she decided she was probably not straight at all.

 

While the humans may have looked down on people who fell in love with those of the same gender, trolls didn’t care much. Their entire system for showing affection was completely different and Nomura knew that many trolls didn’t end up ‘marrying’ anyone (the concept of marriage was extremely different between trolls and humans as well). If two female trolls fell in love, no one really treated it any differently than if a female troll fell in love with a male troll.

 

Nomura decided to end her dabbling in romance after William and focus on her jobs - both human and troll - and let humanity run its course. Maybe eventually, the humans would be more accepting and Nomura would be able to open herself up to dating again. Until then, she would simply go wherever the Janus Order told her to go and hope for the best.

 

\---

 

Years passed and Nomura moved from New York to Washington, DC to Pennsylvania and back to New York again. Nomura was hired as a librarian for a relatively small library. The library was where she met June, a woman with fair skin and short, brown, hair. She was also Nomura’s first girlfriend. The two met in the midst of the ‘Roaring 20s’ where social standards were being challenged left and right and so the two _went for it_.

 

But the Roaring 20s were followed by the Great Depression, and June had to move west while Nomura was relocated to England for the next decade. By the time Nomura returned to the States just before World War II broke out, she doubted she would be able to find June again. So she took a job in a factory somewhere near Chicago and allowed herself to be content with the memories of holding hands at big parties and dancing in the moonlight. She didn’t regret it as she feared she might. More than a significant other, Nomura felt as though she had lost a friend, and that was really what hurt worst.

 

\---

 

Nomura had no reason to question her sexuality until the war was over and all of the troops were returning home and Nomura met James. He was easy to talk to, he made Nomura laugh, and he was always kinder than he needed to be. The kindness could be infuriating at times, but it could also be refreshing.

 

After many restless nights, Nomura decided she felt the same way about both men and woman. Really, it didn’t matter what gender someone was. Nomura didn’t think there was a name for that (at least not in any human language), but it made sense to her, and that was all that really mattered.

 

Nomura never ended up dating James, though, because she was moved to a town in California called Arcadia and introduced to Trollmarket by someone in the Janus Order headquarters located in that town.

 

\---

 

Draal was the first and only troll Nomura ever dated. She thought he might be The One(™) in the beginning. He agreed that human romance rituals could be incredibly strange and he didn’t look down on Nomura because she was a changeling. Draal was the reason the Janus Order decided Nomura wasn’t as valuable as she had once been. They still gave her small missions in Arcadia, but mostly, they ignored her. Nomura didn’t care, though, because that gave her more time with Draal.

 

And then Draal’s father became the Trollhunter.

 

If their relationship hadn’t been approved of before, it most certainly wasn’t now. They stopped seeing each other for quite some time after the amulet first chose Kanjigar, but they never officially ‘broke up’. Nomura told the Janus Order that they had. Draal told the trolls that they had. It was safer for both of them that way.

 

Once the unrest finally died down, Nomura and Draal could risk seeing each other again, though only in secret. It was during this time when Nomura realized something about their relationship: While they both agreed human romance customs were often strange and sometimes unsettling, there weren’t many troll romance customs the two shared either. Physical contact was fine; that had always been fine with Nomura, but there wasn’t much beyond that. Nomura liked Draal, she really did, but did she actually like him like _that_?

 

Nomura thought back to James and June and William and the other less serious partners she’d had over the years.

 

Had she actually liked any of them like _that_?

 

And then there was the fact that while Nomura certainly wasn’t interested much in any sort of romance customs, troll or otherwise, it didn’t seem Draal was incredibly fond of them either. Perhaps how she felt was normal? Maybe everyone just… _dealt_ with romance because that was just how the world worked. Maybe trolls had a better understanding of the fact that romance wasn’t really _that_ desirable, which was why less of them seemed to care about it.

 

Of course, maybe Nomura was just broken. That was a much more likely possibility. Perhaps she just waited too long to date all those years ago and now she was paying for it. Perhaps she was broken with now way to be fixed.

 

\---

 

The spark never came.

 

Nomura realized this while with Draal late one night (or perhaps it had turned into morning at that point). She had heard tales of the elusive ‘spark’ one was supposed to feel with their significant other. And while Nomura liked Draal more than any partner she’d had in the past, there had never been a spark. Not for her, at least. Nomura had never felt a spark, ever. Or maybe she had. What was a spark even _supposed_ to feel like? Was it just less noticeable than everyone made it out to be? That seemed rather unlikely.

 

The next night, Nomura finally, finally, spoke a bit about her thoughts to Draal. She couldn’t put up with keeping them to herself any longer. If she’d had a best friend, she might have told them, but Draal was practically the best friend she’d had since James.

 

“Have you noticed we don’t do many exclusively romantic things?” She asked.

 

Draal hummed. “No, I hadn’t. I guess I was just content with what we have done. ...Would you prefer more exclusively romantic... things?”

 

“No,” Nomura replied, probably too quickly. “I just…” she looked down, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about romance. I’m not entirely sure I get it.”

 

“Me neither,” Draal confessed. He stiffened as soon as the words left his mouth, like he regretted them immediately. Nomura placed a hand on Draal’s arm, hoping the gesture was comforting. Draal seemed to relax a bit.

 

“Are we really anything more than friends?” Draal asked after several minutes of silence.

 

Nomura didn’t want to consider Draal’s question, but what choice did she have? She could spit out the answer she wanted to be true, but what good would lying to Draal do? It would probably just end up making her feel even worse. So she thought about the question. Did she like Draal as more than a friend? Nomura thought she did, but then there was that spark, or whatever the hell romance was supposed to be. Nomura didn’t feel _that_. She didn’t think she ever had and she wasn’t sure she ever would. Were they more than friends? Yes, Nomura liked to think they were. She truly felt they were. But were they actually lovers?

 

Nomura wasn’t sure.

 

“I think we are,” Nomura finally answered, her voice hesitant, “but… I’m not sure how much more? I’m not sure either one of us knows what romance is, so I’m not sure how we can be… what we want to be.”

 

Draal seemed to think about Nomura’s words for a long time before he said anything else. “I want to be friends with you, Nomura. But I don’t think I want to be lovers. I like what we have now, but I don’t want anything more. I guess… I prefer friendship to romance.”

 

Nomura clenched her fists. On one hand, she felt the same way as Draal, but on the other hand, wasn’t _everyone_ supposed to want romance? Even if you never married, the desire was _supposed_ to be there. Draal’s words felt almost right, yet Nomura couldn’t make herself say she felt the same way. She settled instead on saying, “I would never trade my friendship with you for anything."

 

\---

 

By the time Nomura learned the word to describe her and Draal, it was too late. They had remained close friends after they ended things, and Nomura had finally admitted she felt the same way Draal did after many late night, tear-filled conversations about how they never felt like they were _enough_. In the end, they decided they were at least enough for each other. But even that wasn't enough to hold them together.

 

A short kid wearing glasses and a green t-shirt was handing out colorful fliers on the museum steps. Nomura took one on her way out of the museum after her shift ended, mostly because it looked like the boy still had a lot of fliers and she felt sorry for him. She didn’t even look at the flier until she got home.

 

In her empty apartment, Nomura read through the sexual orientations highlighted on the flier that advertised a pride event scheduled for the first of June. _Pansexual_ was the label Nomura had needed all those years ago when she thought she knew what she was feeling, but now, it didn’t seem to _click_.

 

Nomura’s eyes settled on a word near the bottom of the list and it almost felt like a spark (or what she imagined a spark would feel like) as she read over the definition three times before it sank in.

 

 _Aromantic_.

 

Nomura smiled. It fit. She wasn’t broken, and she wasn’t alone. She needed to tell Draal--

 

Nomura’s smile vanished as suddenly as it had appeared. She couldn’t tell Draal, because Draal was in Trollmarket under Gunmar’s control, possibly forever. Nomura had known this for some time now, but she had tried not to think about it. If she didn’t think about it, she could pretend Draal was hiding in the Trollhunter’s basement with Blinky and Aaarrrgghh, playing Dungeons & Dragons or whatever it was those three did while the sun was out.

 

But she was thinking about it now and now her eyes were filling with tears she’d promised not to cry and her hands were shaking and her breathing was uneven and _oh God_ , Nomura had forgotten what heartbreak felt like. All of the stories she’d read that implied romance caused the worst heartbreaks were _wrong_ . How could there be heartbreak worse than _this_?

 

\---

 

The answer came not long after that night. Nomura hadn’t been there to see it. She hadn’t even heard the story from someone who was there. She’d gotten the second hand version from Strickler, who had _tried_ to be gentle, but really, he had never understood how much Draal meant to Nomura. No one had.

 

Losing Draal to death was worse than losing him to the Decimaar Blade. In the back of her mind, Nomura knew Draal would have much preferred death to being controlled by Gunmar, but that didn’t make it any easier.

 

Nomura didn’t remember much after Strickler broke the news to her. She remembered crying and sleeping and being completely _pathetic_ , but not caring enough to stop. She didn’t remember how she got to the hospital, or why she was there, but she figured it probably had something to do with Strickler since he was the only other person she’d seen in the past several days.

 

Nomura didn’t recognize her doctor at first. It took a few minutes before it clicked. The doctor was the Trollhunter’s mother. That could potentially be a good thing, seeing as Barbara already knew she was a changeling who had been on the right side in the end. It could also potentially be bad, for the very same reasons.

 

“Walter told me you refused to eat.”

 

Had she really? Well, maybe it was because Strickler had been the one trying to force food into her mouth. She’d never been fond of listening to him.

 

“He didn’t say much else, so may I ask why? Were you feeling sick?”

 

“Sure,” Nomura muttered. She didn’t want to delve into the reasons behind her recent decisions right now. She wanted to sleep, preferably forever.

 

“I need you to tell me the truth so I can treat you properly. We don’t want you ingesting any sort of medicine you don’t need while you’re dehydrated.”

 

Nomura bit the inside of her cheek. Why couldn't Barbara just pump her full of some nice modern drugs that numbed everything? “I haven’t cared enough to take care of myself these past few days,” she finally said. It was the truth without the background information.

 

Barbara had already looked concerned, but now she seemed even more worried. She turned to one of the machines that Nomura was wired up to and messed with some buttons and switches. Once she was satisfied, she turned her attention back to Nomura. “Were you ever diagnosed with depression or any other mental illnesses in the past?”

 

Nomura shook her head.

 

“Could you explain to me why you acted the way you did? I promise I’m not here to judge you; I just want you to be able to get better.”

 

“I…” Nomura knew what she had to say in theory, but getting the words to actually leave her mouth was a whole other story. “I lost someone,” was all she could manage. Barbara nodded understandingly. That was when it hit Nomura.

 

Barbara had lost someone too.

 

Of course, Jim was still alive, but he was very much not human anymore, and he was also on his way to New Jersey in search of a new heartstone that may or may not exist.

 

“Was it in the battle?” Barbara’s voice was soft, which Nomura was actually grateful for at the moment. It made responding easier.

 

“Before. I just received the news.”

 

“Oh.” Barbara’s voice seemed even softer now, if that was possible. “Do I…?” She didn’t seem to want to finish the question, but Nomura had a pretty good idea of what she wanted to ask.

 

Nomura nodded. “Draal. He, um, in Merlin’s tomb…” that was all the further Nomura got before she had to force back tears.

 

Barbara winced at Draal’s name. “Jim told me what happened. I knew they were close, but I didn’t know you were.”

 

“It was some time ago now.”

 

“Doesn’t mean this hurts any less.”

 

Nomura felt her lips twist upwards into a small smile, the first since she’d found out about Draal. If there was one thing Nomura had learned during her extensive time among humans, it was that it always felt nice to not be viewed as less than.

 

\---

 

Nomura ended up at Barbara’s house once she was released form the hospital. Barbara had assured her she had a guest bedroom, and it felt too quiet around home anyway now that Jim was gone. Nomura wasn’t sure if it was the sympathy for Barbara’s situation or the fact that she was afraid of what might happen if she went back to being on her own that caused her to accept the invitation. She supposed it didn’t matter much.

 

It took a week for Nomura to open up any more about her and Draal. She was doing better and she and Barbara were watching a movie Nomura couldn’t remember the name of. Neither one of them had been able to fall asleep that night.

 

“What, exactly, happened between you and Draal?” Barbara asked quietly. “If you don’t mind me asking. Were you just friends, or…?”

 

The question set Nomura on edge, and it took her a moment to figure out why. “We were friends, but not _just_ friends. Friendship is not something that should ever be seen as less than. Draal was the one who allowed me to see that. We tried to be lovers a long time ago before we realized neither one of us wanted that. ...I never got to tell him we weren’t alone.”

 

Barbara gave Nomura a questioning look. Nomura pulled a folded up piece of paper from her pocket and handed it to Barbara. She’d been carrying it with her because it reminded her of Draal. Maybe there was something irrational in the back of Nomura’s mind telling her that Draal was going to come back and then she could hand him the flier and he could read the definition of the circled word and know he wasn’t alone.

 

“I take it you and Draal were both aromantic?”

 

Nomura nodded. “Or-- At least, I think Draal was. By the time I discovered that word, he was under Gunmar’s control. I found it too late.”

 

Barbara folded the flier and handed it back to Nomura. “I’m sorry. I know it sounds empty, but… I’m not entirely sure what else to say. So I’m sorry. But I’m sure Draal wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life mourning him.”

  
“I know.” Nomura was surprised at the tone of her voice. It sounded very put-together and composed and everything else Nomura was _not_. “I know.” She slid the folded up piece of paper back into her pocket and sighed. “I’m going to bring awareness to aromantics and asexuals so people like Draal and I don’t have to go through life thinking they’re alone,” Nomura promised no one in particular. “No one deserves to spend their life feeling broken and alone.”


End file.
